How do you reconcile a difficult relationship with someone after they pass? The concept seems nearly impossible. In life, during times of conflict, we are rarely focused on seeing the other side of the story. Someone annoys or offends and the reaction is typically retaliation, distancing, and anger. Days, weeks, and months can go by without resolution until it just seems impossible. You convince yourself that you are right and the other person is wrong. And you assume that there will always be time to make things right.
One of the most difficult passages in my life has been that of my mother. It's been nearly two years since my mother left this earth, yet I'm only just beginning to process the grief. It has been something that I numbed my way out of because addressing it was just too difficult. You see, our relationship was fraught with differences of opinion, lack of understanding, and lack of compassion. Therapy has been a source of unraveling the hurt and allowing the grief to come so I can heal. My assignment? I wrote a letter to my mother. I would like to share some of it with you. I hope to help anyone that needs this healing to access these words and begin the process.
Dear Mom,
I want you to know that I love you. And I miss you. I am so sorry that I allowed my lack of patience and perceived lack of time to prevent me from being more present in our relationship. I always thought that there will be plenty of time on another day. It never occurred to me that I would lose you so soon.
I wish I had been a more compassionate person. I always set my sights on being successful, on having lots of friends, and on having a big social life. I wanted to provide an idyllic childhood for my kids with all of the playdates, sports, and activities I had always wanted. That meant not leaving time for relationships within our family that should have been prioritized. I am so sorry for that.
Mom...I can't believe you died during Covid. I can't believe that I couldn't be with you due to hospital protocols. I can't believe you had to spend the last week of your life alone and afraid. I traveled back to Kansas to be with you as much as possible, but I could only see you once because of the Covid restrictions. I asked the nurse for permission to touch your hand as you went to have a feeding tube put in. How I wish I had not only touched your hand but held your hand the whole day. I had no idea it would be the last time I ever touched your soft, frail skin.
As much as I tried to be strong and independent, I realize it was you that was strong. You always spoke your truth, no matter how sharp it was. You were brave and didn't let anyone tell you how to live your life. I'm finally trying to do that now. You were hilarious and stubborn, and never let anyone tell you what to think.
I can't believe only a week before your diagnosis, we were talking about how much you loved Dr. Fauci, and how nobody better mess with him or they would have you to deal with. You had such a crush on him.
I can't believe Nikki (my sister) and I were talking on the phone to you as you lie in the hospital, laughing hysterically about your mistaking toothpaste for lip balm and how that must have looked when the nurses came in. You couldn't understand why it was so minty! Less than a week later you were gone.
The nurses called me at Midnight to tell me you were transitioning. I tried so hard to get you to hear everything I needed to say. I'll never know if you did. I only know that despite all of the stupid things that got in the way of our relationship, I love you. I hope and pray that you at least know that. I know you have moved on to a far better place. I know the cares and worries of this world no longer matter to you. I know that if you were here you would say something funny and we would laugh it all off until our sides ached.
I look for you in my dreams and memories and with all of the love I wish I had given while you were here. Time makes things so different. I can only hope to handle the rest of my life with the honesty, style, and grace that you did. Always true to yourself. I will use that as a guidepost moving forward.
All of my love,
Dawn
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