These past two years have brought so many changes. There have been significant losses. There has been new joy and new experiences and new love. Wisdom has replaced frivolity. There have been struggles. There has been much solitude. I no longer have the energy to spend on things that do not bring me peace of mind. I know I'm not alone in this. The times we are in have erased everything that didn't matter and the only thing left standing is truth.
You have to take a deep look inside and see who you are. None of this is easy. It takes guts and grit. It takes making leaps into the unknown. It means finding your own voice. You may end up in a place you never imagined, and that place may be spectacular or it may be dark. But you can't learn the lessons of this life without the leap.
I have thankfully retained the friendships and relationships that truly matter to me. I grieve the loss of others. But with every decision I make, I stop and ask myself what is right for my own happiness.
I nearly forgot how to connect with people over these last two years. It seems easier to stay home and cuddle with my dogs. All they need is my presence and love. It is effortless. Effort is something that I nearly lost as a new normal set in. I used to make every effort to make everyone happy, to attend every event, to put myself in a good mood, to socialize despite preferring to be alone. It left me empty inside. Robotic. I would get up, get presentable, get to the places I needed to be. I would maintain a household and be sure the children were cared for and go to work. But I was pouring from an empty vessel.
Suddenly, a forced level of inactivity was thrust upon the world. I felt agitated, and all I wanted was to have my old, busy, chaotic routine back. It was so hard to just be still. But very slowly, I began to settle into this quiet. Rest and peace are no longer optional. And still, sometimes something feels like it is missing. Perhaps it is the many relationships that were casualties on my way to peace. Some relationships ended, some were never really solid, and some of my beloveds passed.
I reconnected with my dearest friend that had been at arms' length while I was on the road of motherhood and marriage and busyness. And the times we just sit and chat...sharing bagels and a few laughs are golden. Connection feeds the soul. It is easy to forget that. I once read that when washers and dryers were invented, women started becoming ill. They were missing the gatherings at the waters' edge to clean their families' clothes. Community is that important.
I had dinner with one of my other dear friends that fell into her own new routine as an empty nester. It turns out neither of us knew how to move forward now that things are settling down. We used to host gatherings and go on road trips and share a business and still manage to be good mothers and partners. Suddenly, I realized I hadn't seen her in nearly six months. I had been busy creating a new life and she had been busy creating a new kitchen. When we finally met again, what a joy it was to know that despite the passing of time, we were still the same good friends. We overstayed our welcome as the restaurant closed, laughing and talking and having an extra bottle of chardonnay.
I guess my point is, that it is now time to pick through the rubble of the past two years and find the gold. It's still there. You just have to find it. Only this time, you get to consciously decide what you consider to be golden.
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